Are You Setting Boundaries – and Communicating Them?
It was May 2020. My family was at the dinner table, enjoying a meal… that I cooked. Eating off plates that I unloaded from the dishwasher. Wearing clothes that I washed.
While they talked about their distance learning and facetiming with friends, I sat there exhausted. Working from home, helping with school, managing a pandemic, and becoming a short-order cook had totally depleted me. It was time for one of my dinner proclamations aka “communicating my boundaries.”
“I will be making only dinner from now on,” I said, interrupting the flow of conversation. My two kids (ages 14 and 11 at the time) started wondering about breakfast and lunch. I assured them that they were old enough to figure it out – and if they got hungry enough, they certainly would.
We’re nearly one year into this new arrangement. Is the kitchen messy after someone makes an elaborate meal, using every pot and pan? Yes. Is breakfast sometimes chocolate chips? Yes. Am I more centered and at peace because I set a boundary for myself? Yes.
Here’s the thing about setting boundaries – no one can set them for you, but you. Setting a boundary is not about being mean or selfish, it’s about making sure you maintain a healthy and happy relationship with yourself and with others in your life. It’s about helping you get what you need to be present, engaged, and fulfilled.
Why Boundaries
With remote working, caregiving, or homeschooling, we’ve all carried an extra load during the pandemic. Check in with yourself – are you feeling burned out? This is where boundaries can help.
Cha Pornea for NPR
Start here – in this quick article and podcast from NPR, wellness expert Alex Elle suggests first identifying your needs – what you need to feel seen, supported, and heard – and putting them inside the “boundary circle.”
Then, think of one boundary you’d like to set. Once you’ve settled on your boundary (or boundaries!), it’s important that you communicate it with others. You can do this verbally or even nonverbally.
To communicate verbally, rehearse out loud before you share it with others. Boundaries sound like this:
“When I’m on vacation, I’ll check emails in the evening and respond at that time.”
“I schedule meetings for 25 or 50 minutes.”
“I don’t work during the lunch hour.”
Nonverbal boundary-setting communication could be something over email. For instance, you might set your automatic email response to say this:
“I respond to emails until 8pm.”
If you need more examples or suggestions, Whole30 CEO Melissa Urban is a boundary-setting guru and often provides input on how people can phrase boundaries on her Instagram feed. Check out this article for inspiration on setting clear, defined, and practical boundaries.
Other Considerations for Setting a Boundary
Does your boundary include a request? This might require some extra thinking about how to phrase your boundary conversation. Boundaries with requests can sound like this:
“I’d appreciate it if after you make breakfast, you put your dishes in the dishwasher.”
“If you need to get in touch with me after working hours, please only do so if urgent – or time-sensitive.”
Boundaries are not ultimatums. Sure, you can make a request of others when you set a boundary, but you have to be ready for people to say no or not do what you ask them to. Then, it’s up to you to hold the boundary.
You might have to repeat the boundary a few times. This doesn’t mean you’re not good at communicating boundaries; people will always want more of your time and attention, and unless you are clear about limits for yourself, they will take whatever they can get from you.
Boundaries can shift over time. Once you’ve stated a boundary, it doesn’t need to remain a boundary forever. Reevaluate your boundaries from time to time. Are you holding to them? Do you still need them or are you ready to let them go?
Be consistent so that you aren’t sending others – and yourself – mixed messages.
For me, I’ve held firm to that boundary I set 11 months ago. My kids are still making their own breakfast and lunches at home, and I’ve continued to set and enforce other boundaries that help me stay happy, present, and healthy. I encourage you to give it a try and let us know how it goes!