The Road to Self-Confidence
In honor of National Women’s History month, I’ve been thinking a lot about my female clients. A topic that comes up time and again in our coaching is self-confidence. Norman Fischer, a Zen priest, writer, and Dharma teacher describes true self-confidence this way:
“Self-confidence isn't egotism… When you are truly self-confident, you are flexible with regard to ego: you can pick up ego when necessary, but you can also put it down when necessary, in order to learn something completely new through listening. And if you find that you can't put ego down, at least you know that this is so. You can admit it to yourself. It takes profound self-confidence to be humble enough to recognize your own limitations without self-blame.”
I believe the foundation of self-confidence starts with self-knowledge and honesty about who we are. When we truly understand our authentic selves, we are able to see our weaknesses and greatest gifts. We are grounded in our values and priorities and we know what is and is not important to us. This honest self-assessment ultimately leads us to a place of being comfortable in our own skin. This is the basis of self-confidence.
And confidence isn’t a solo endeavor. Human beings are social creatures who depend on each other to survive. The root of the word “confident” means “to have trust or faith.” If others around us are dependable, then we develop trust in them as well as faith in our own self-worth. When the people in our lives are interested, friendly, respectful and empathetic towards us, we feel a greater sense of security and belonging. With each positive experience, we grow a core in ourselves that feels valued, liked and loved: a solid base for real confidence.
One way to reinforce that confidence (and work toward resilience) is by building a “library” of positive experiences, comments and feedback we receive. Any time you have success, get complimentary feedback or an encouraging comment, write it down or take a picture of it, and put it in a file (digital or physical). Over time, these accumulated notes become like books in a library that you can check out as needed. This exercise helps you remember your value and the strengths that others see in you.
Confidence comes from both within as well as from our social connections and interactions. It’s this interplay between deep self-knowledge and building positive social interactions that creates lasting confidence.